1.I would like you look at my intro because its suppose to be more of a story and I want to make sure the intro makes sense.
2. Also please look at my first 2 paragraphs and see where I could improve
3. Please give me ideas on how I could continue this story.
This was my favorite paper to write because it allowed me to write about what I want and I also had a lot of different directions i could take when writing this. I had trouble find a picture that I could write an extensive, detailed story about. As soon as I found this one I was able to start writing and I had a good idea from the beginning which made it fun because I knew what I wanted to do. This was one paper I wish we could have had more time to work on it.
I am ____, I am a 27 year old from Denver, CO. this is a collection of my life experiences as a climber. If you have found this then I am probably not here anymore and would you please return to my family.
I have always had a passion for climbing, even going all the way back to when I could crawl. My parents told me that they couldn’t leave me alone for 2 seconds or I would be trying to get on the couch, or coffee table. They were always afraid that something would happen to me, and they still do, but they are more comfortable because I have a lot more experience. My mom is always worried about me when I go on a big climb and she gets very upset if I don’t let her know that I made it down. My dad on the other hand wants to go with me, which would be ok if he didn’t have 2 bad knees and a back that freaks out if you give him a message. I still go with him on hikes in the local state parks which he enjoys but feels it for the next week. He was always outdoors and got me interested in climbing in the first place it is sad that I cant climb with him more but I understand why.
May 24, 1995
September, 25, 1995
It’s been three days now and there is still no sign of the storm letting up. We look out our tents and can barely see the other tent right next to ours. It is 20 degrees below zero and we only have enough food to last the week. Oh and by the way it’s Thursday morning, I think. We are finding ways to pass the time; sleeping playing cards and every once in while go outside to fix the flaps on the tent so we don’t blow away. The wind has to have reached speeds of nearly 35 MPH which isn’t too bad except when you have to go out there because little pieces of ice are flying all over the place and it hurts like a mother if it hits you. Our biggest difficulty now is just staying alive, with very little sun light throughout the day the temperature continues to drop each day and with no sighs of it letting up we could be in trouble.
Hi Eric,
ReplyDeleteBe sure to use caps in your reflections. Remember, this isn't texting a buddy, you are writing academic reflections for a class. I'm grading you on this work so you need to be professional.
Your opening reflection needs some work. You need to give me a bit more reflection in introducing this piece. If you want some ideas on how to do this, see Clara's blog:
http://clarabblog.blogspot.com/2011/01/introductions.html
or this one:
http://clarabblog.blogspot.com/2011/01/reflection-on-seven-deadly-sins-paper.html
You might want to do this before you read my feedback below:
1.i would like you look at my intro because its suppose to be more of a story and i want to make sure the intro makes sense.
I like that it is the contents of a climber's diary or journal. It is clear from the opening what we are reading. You might switch the first two paragraphs. I think it would be nice to read the personal reflection that explains the main character's love of climbing but then to end it with the note that this is his his journal and if we find it to return it to his family. Is there someone specific for us to return it to? This might also help us to get more connected to this character.
2. also please look at my first 2 paragraphs and see where i could improve
See above. Generally speaking, I liked them but I think they can be switched around a bit.
3. please give me ideas on how i could continue this story.
I think you need a bunch of really short entries from different trips he has taken. You need specificc locations to work with. Do a bit of research and find pictures of different places so that you can describe them more easily and dig deeper into that sensory detail writing.
I think we need a bit of dram too. Someone needs to get hurt or injured or lost or something. Again, I think that short meaningful entries filled with drama and a bit of descriptive writing in there will be great. Be sure to catch his excitement in planning the trip and in the travelling there. Who is with him? Let us get to know those other characters too.
I love the framework for this story. You have lots of places to go with it.
When you finish, be sure to check your spelling and perhaps consider asking your mom to give it a once over to check for any errors.
Good luck but I love it so far. Get some more work done on it and show me just what a great writer you are!
Let me know if you have any questions,
Ms. Basko
Ms. Basko
One more thing about all of your blog entries Eric, revisit those titles. Show me how creative you can be in using unique titles that clearly reflect what the blog post is about. Kate did a great job with this if you want to check her blog for ideas.
ReplyDeleteMs. Basko